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Thirty

This one was very recent, with characters inspired, I suppose, by watching Never Say Never Again, the anomaly in the 007 canon which seemed to involve the input of no-one from the original series. It is also influenced, I think, by the programme about tigers that was on BBC One the other day, featuring an ensemble cast of largely superfluous naturalists who wandered up and down a river looking at shits.

'In a high mountain forest, most likely China, with an explorer friend who resembles Max von Sydow. We are searching for a Mamon, a rare sort of bear/wolf/lion hybrid. In reality, it is Mexican slang for 'absurd fuckhead'. Whilst climbing a slope, we spot one hiding in an abandoned border post, but by the time we reach it, it has gone. On the opposite slope border guards move about beneath oversized comedy hats. The border guards on the mountain we occupy are angry with us for following what they consider to be an evil creature. A man draws me an example which I vaguely recognise. It is quite unpleasant. Max von Sydow says something to upset the authorities and we are yelled at and made to leave. I decide to take a piss. Back in England, a party is thrown for me in a cavernous and unfamiliar house, where a woman shows me naked pictures of herself which she is uploading to the Internet as part of an unspecified art project. When I sit down to eat the meal that has been specially prepared for my return, I notice it is made entirely from differently coloured wine bottles.'
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